What happened Asif? I keep asking myself the same question. Why did you change so much? Why didn’t you try harder? Why? I know I’ve tried. Why did you let these years fall and drift away into nothingness?
I’ve come a long way from asking questions and being clueless about my life after left. After you’ve become successful and are now singing praises of other people and after having found new people in your life, I’m still picking up the pieces. I got a million friends, everyone considers me a good friend and I’m privileged. So why am I now writing to you and hoping you’ll never read it? Writing to get it outta me. Something has been weighing me down from yesterday.
I know what it is. But every time my heart feels low, why do you ultimately come into the picture?
It’s been 11 hours, since I was doing my own thing, kept my BB away and had been busy creating things. But the moment I stopped, there you are haunting me again.
After spending months doing everything trying to find peace, I’ve figured I was searching for it in the wrong places. We make a habit of doing things and breaking the habit is very difficult. Finally it’s dawning onto me that I was wrong. It gives me immense relief to realize that. At least I can now start doing the right things. Or start looking for the right things, trying to figure out what they are.
I’m glad I’ve taken an interest in my career again. Long ago you hated what I wanted to do and so I never did it. But now, I’ve decided to do something more meaningful and take charge. I have wonderful guidance to be honest. Someone who wants to see me grow and is a well-wisher. So I’m going to do what I should’ve done 3 years ago. Going back to get trained. Well, lots of people start late and it’s okay. Yes, that’s what I’ve learnt in life. No matter what happens, it always becomes okay.
So I’m going back in training. Once it’s done In sha Allah, I’m switching my career. And I’m very excited.
Cuz commitments are weighing me down, I’ve decided to not even think about getting married for 2 years. Of course, I’ll be 25 by then and I’m not sure I wanna wait until then. I wanna have a baby maybe in 3-4 years or sooner so I hope I’ll find someone who’ll be a good friend and a good husband and possibly 10 years older than I am. Why you might think? Love is bullshit. I had your love and I’ve seen how far it can go. A friend on the other hand is a commitment that lasts for life.
A good husband knows his duties and responsibilities towards his wife. That’s way more important than having a coward for a lover. And someone who is way older is better than someone who is nearly my age cuz I’m way too mature for you. A man who is older has seen life and will know what I’m about. He’ll know how to carry a conversation and how to please a woman. And of course he’ll be settled in life.
Someday we’ll call this mutual trust, friendship and understanding – love. And that will be stronger than what we had. I agree what we had was deep but it wasn’t enough. Strength is more important. He’ll be my strength.
When we travel the world, I’ll think of you maybe. When we buy souvenirs, I’d buy one for you too hoping someday I can give it to you. Hopefully he’ll be someone from the UAE itself cuz I don’t ever wanna leave my country. And I wanna go to Paris. I don’t know where Paris came from, but it’s the most romantic country in the world. I’m sure my husband and I will fall head over heels in love there.
Now that your parents have given their no objection certificate in me getting married to anyone else, I can at least dream. You weren’t thinking I’d wait for you all my life, were you? As much as I’d wish to do that, my clock will start ticking and I do have my dreams too. Well, I’ve started having dreams without you in them so surely that’s a good start. You’d want me to move on I’m sure. That’s why you let me go.
So yeah, back to career. I’ve already set my goals. I know exactly where I wanna be in a year after starting my new job In sha Allah. And I’ve also got plans for my own business which I’m not sure will go very far cuz it’s my hobby. But I’m doing so well at it. Imagine I spend 11 hours today. My well-wisher told me
“There are things you do that can make a man fall in Love you so easily. You are special in your own way”
When was the last time I heard that? It’s a relief my well-wisher thinks I’m a very good friend and so we co-exist in harmony. Had I met him in a better state of mind, I’d have fallen in love with him. But I’m wiser now. Love is an illusion. And I never wanna be delusional ever again.
And I think my well-wisher realizes that cuz I got a text saying
“I want you to think of a butterfly appearing before your eyes in a beautiful flower garden. That beauty surrounds you. You wanna catch the butterfly and break its wings but you can’t. Cuz you don’t wanna spoil its beauty. So you just watch as it flies by/ you wanna have it but you can’t dare to spoil it. So you just love it.
You are my butterfly. I adore you and your presence makes me feel like I am in that beautiful garden cuz you’re my butterfly. So near yet so far. I can’t catch it. I might break it. So I just watch and appreciate it. You make me smile so I just let it be and enjoy the beauty cuz I can’t spoil it and lose its beauty. Good night my beautiful butterfly.”
I was left speechless. How can I not fall in love with this man? Well, I adore him and I respect him too much. And I also know that he knows that my time will come and I’m not ready and he’s not the one. The One will be my husband of course. A lover? No, my destiny requires me to slow down and concentrate on other things but love.
I think love happens only once but should it happen again for me, destiny has kept it for later. So that when I finally find him, I’ll appreciate him, I’ll differentiate him from all the frogs and the pigs I’ve kissed. He’ll treat me like a Princess and that’ll make me realize that he’s my King.
Until then I’m going to go on creating things, living my life, having amazing friends and cherishing them, cherishing and loving my family more and more as each day passes by, doing more for them. And being happy.
Yes, Asif, my number one priority in life is to be happy in every way Allah keeps me. Believe me, nothing on this earth can shake my belief that Allah will make everything okay.
After you’ve gone, I found Allah playing a very big hand in my life in helping me to move on. Ramadan must’ve played a big role in connecting with religion too. I know my Allah, my Rasool (PBUH) and my Maula Ali (AS) listen to me. When I want something done, Naad-e-Ali, and taqwa in my heart helps me get it.
Every time something goes wrong, a light in my soul tells me, amidst the mess, that things will be better with time and a sense of peace comes over me and I wait. And circumstances change.
Mumma told me an amazing story when I was upset one day about an aquarium and it was so moving, I just wanted to hug her and cry. I felt better. And the next day I had HOPE. My Mum is my angel I know. Why did I ever fight with her for you? You piece of shit – you and your family. I fought with her for you? She maybe the craziest woman ever, but your mother and half the women in your family combined, can’t be half as great as she is. Such a fierce woman. I’m blessed to call myself her daughter.
So well, breaking up hasn’t been as bad as they say. My world didn’t end. Yes, some times the pain is too much to bear, but then relief comes in the form of friends and family. For one guy, giving up everything is the craziest idea a girl can ever have. Break up taught me lots of things – most importantly the value of being strong. But then, I had been a stronger person before I met you, and that strength of character has helped me rebuild my life. When I hear stories about lovers saying they’ll die and they can’t live without each other I feel like laughing. It’s a lost cause to try to explain them, that life does go on. And as each day passes, it’s in our hands to make that day worth it or drown in misery for someone who isn’t worth it.
Breaking up with you might have been the best thing I’ve done in my life, however painful, cuz it taught me the value of time and of my life. I can’t get those 3 years back. I accept I’ve loved and lost and I know how the feeling of being in love feels and blah blah. Good, I won’t ever wonder how it is. But there’s so much more to life than just falling in love and losing all reasoning.
The problem I now notice is how people give a lot of importance to finding love and don’t believe in the institution of marriage. And what happens when that love ends? Now I see how love starts after marriage. I’ve seen happy couples and I’m very happy for them and I’ve set them as my models. Love maybe overrated but marriage isn’t. So when I’m doing it, I’m going to make sure, I do it right. Just watch me.
